I would like to take a few moments of your time to spread the gospel of Xenu. It has been brought to my attention as of late that some of you have come to ill-informed conclusions about our true purpose and heritage. Due to the widely spread propaganda and guess work of over zealous "god" following beings, there has been a massive epidemic of thetan poisoning. Each and every person on this planet has the extremely important and valuable task of upholding their individual vessels so we may harvest our thetans(remnants of ancient intergalactic souls) when the time becomes appropriate. The preservance of said thetans ensures that all earthlings will eventually become self-aware and be able to float outside of their human vessels. Seventy-five millions years ago, the intergalactic warlord and saviour called Xenu traveled far and wide across the universe collecting and ceremoniously killing beings from many planets. The Great One then took the dangerous and wonderful journey to the planet earth to set forth his vision of a future of awareness, of euphoria and most importantly, an expensive and lucrative organization now known as The Church of Scientology. The arrival of the great Lord Xenu set into motion a chain reaction of furious volcano eruptions and explosions propelling the harvested thetans into our then empty and hopeless atmosphere. When the dust settled and skies were once again clear, the smoldering thetans were implanted into the creatures that inhabited this planet, paving the way for the destiny of this once hopeless and desolate orbiting spherical rock. The holy thetan remnants would lay dormant for nearly seventy-five million years before the anointed womb came into existence. Saint L. Ron Hubbard burst forward from his holy womb with words of wisdom and knowledge which would help build the bridge into the new millennium. A millennium of enlightenment and pure bliss as the work of Lord Xenu finally came to pass.
The penultimate goal, however, has been thwarted for the time being by the evil teachings of nazi psychiatrists found across the globe. These evil creatures are slowly poisoning the masses with dangerous concoctions known as psychiatric drugs, and even more alarming is the "therapy" they force millions to take part in. This "therapy" I speak of was installed by the most evil of the Nazis from germany and should be exposed for what it truly is; witchcraft. Through this horrible witchcraft and obsession with mind altering narcotics, the thetans are slowly dying out and the preservation of everything that is decent will soon be in very grave danger.
We, The Church of Scientology, are now calling forth the members of this planet to help fight back. We want to preserve the lifework of the Great and Powerful Xenu. We want to do all of these noble things, but with such lofty goals set before us we need help. We need you to stand up to Brooke Shields and everything that is evil. We need you to send money. We need a war. and it starts with you. Thank you for your time and cooperation and i hope that now that you're informed of THE WAY, you will open your eyes and free yourself.
ps. have you SEEN how cute i am with Katie!!???.....i'm so in love......